Two weeks ago, I received word that my #TEDxWoodinville 2003 talk finally went live! (If you haven’t watched it yet, here’s an ask to go watch and comment over on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50h0Y7AdkuU)
The most frequently asked question I’ve had since is, “What made you want to give a #TEDxTalk?”
Today, I’ll answer that question. It’s fitting because today is the nine-year anniversary of the day that changed my life forever.
Nine years ago today, about the same time as I sit here writing this, I was sitting cross legged, changing my two month old son’s diaper, while talking on the phone, telling a friend how excited I was that I did Zumba and I was finally getting back to doing things again! I had plans to take my kids to the park that afternoon and the rest of the week was booked solid.
But, mid-sentence, it felt like soda was bubbling up inside my head and the right side of my body suddenly went numb.
I couldn’t move my arm or hand that was mid-process of fastening on side of my son’s diaper. I went to say, “Something weird is going on,” but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I could think them, but I couldn’t say them. And it scared me out of my mind.
Because I’m not the kind of person who is quiet for long, my friend quickly picked up on the fact that something was wrong, had someone come get me and my son, and I headed to the hospital.
What ensued was what became years of testing and diagnoses, seeing many doctors who ran every kind of test and countless vials of bloodwork, only to tell me that everything came back normal. Nothing was wrong. It was probably a migraine and would likely go away.
But it didn’t go away. My symptoms got worse.
And I spent over a year with a bed in my living room, watching other people take care of my kids, while I kept chasing medical appointments trying to find answers and getting none.
On the day of my 8th MRI in about as many months, with the jack-hammer-like sound beating against my head and tears streaming down my face, I finally decided I had enough.
If I was going to die, I was going to spend the time I had with my kids—not as a medical guinea pig.
And in that moment, I learned how to live.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but what ultimately led to my medical crises was (yes, genetics . . . ANNNNND) the stress of chasing life rather than living it.
I was burned out.
I felt it coming on for years and kept telling myself I needed to slow down and manage my stress better. And I kind of sorta did. When it was convenient.
I’d get my “self-care” girls’ night out or massage when it was convenient.
I did my self-help books. Or at least a chapter or so. And I did my spiritual practice. I WAS a religion teacher, after all.
But as my life continued to spiral with my ex-husband and I separating within that same year and losing my 16 year career as an academic religious educator, I came face-to-face with the fact that, although I’d been super busy—almost frantically so—doing ALL the things: being a stay-at-home-yet-working-mom doing volunteer work at church and my kids’ schools, teaching, and making bomb-diggity meals and cleaning house, I had missed the point of actually living.
I’d completely lost sight of who I was in the process of all that doing. In fact, as I slowly regained my health and reclaimed my life, I had a massive realization that I probably hadn’t really known myself in the first place.
I’d spent my life living up to cultural constructs, societal rules, and generational stories that had been passed down to me without ever really questioning them. And I almost “did myself to death.”
Now, other people may not take it to this extreme, but I go big or go home.
But from that bed in my living room and with countless selfless, loving, the saintly village it took to keep my family going at that time, I had lots of time to listen to people tell me their stresses, frustrations, and other life stories that come up when you’re feeling bad for the lady on the bed in her living room.
And I realized I wasn’t alone.
Women—mothers especially, have the same tendency of getting so busy doing “the things” that they lose themselves in the process. And as I emerged from my dark night of the soul, I had a newfound passion to help others come to know themselves, trust themselves, and love themselves so they could avoid the burnout, the mid-life crisis, and the frustration of living a life half-lived.
That’s what fueled this #TEDxTalk.
What I’ve learned in the last nine years?
People are what matter. Period.
Life is too short not to live it 100%.
Trying to be anyone but you is the fastest road to burnout. It’s an impossible task. And doing you? Fully. Authentically. Powefully. My friends. That’s the secret to success. ALL success in life.
So today, as I have every September 16 since 2015, I am humbled. Grateful. Blessed to be alive.
And I recommit, as I do every day, to live my life 100%. To leave it all on the table. To love. To serve. To connect. And to empower.
What are you going to do today?
#emergeempowered #unlockyourITfactor #I’mstillstanding #medicalmiracle #blessed
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